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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 26, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PST

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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> that's hour show, join us next week at 11:00. there is your moment of zen. >> some people honored today who went way beyond the call of duty. >> the youngest hero 7-year-old rita law letter credited with saving her
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mom's life. when she couldn't wake her mom up she took action. >> i call 911, but fir captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. (cheers and applause) thank you so much.
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stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow, very nice. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: you guys are fantastic. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: for a second there, there was competing time signature goesing on there for a second. thank you so much for coming. nation, it is day four of the colbert superpac hostage crisis. jon stewart will not give it back to me and seal team 6 won't answer my calls. (laughter) won't you go to colbert superpac.com and give generously? because i am going to get it back. and we are so close to a very big number which i will reveal on monday night's show, or on, say, who wants to shall a millionaire? meanwhile, folks, big republican debate tonight in
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florida. it is the 19th of the season. one more and they win a free debate. there are only five days left right now until the florida primary. romney and gingrich are neck and neck. well, neck and-- (cheers and applause) the am bibbian display pouch. i'm to the going to lie to you folk, m itt is in trouble. a recent poll said 61% of people said mitt romney will say anything he has to to get elected and to woo that 61% mitt romney immediately agreed. (laughter) but folks, mitt romney recently proved that his principleses are as unwaivering as his hair. he has repeatedly said that corporations are people but he has never said good people or bad people. until yesterday when he
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stood up for the most maligned corporate people of all, banks. >> the banks aren't bad people, they're just overwhelmed right now. >> banks are scared to death, of course. they're feeling the same thing that you're feeling. >> stephen: yes, the banks are feeling the same thing that you're feeling. when they look at your house, they also think that belongs to me. (laughter) and let's not forget, let's not forget that florida has more foreclosures than any other state. so with pro bank statements like that, m itt is to the going to win any popularity contests. but m itt is not out to win a pop layerity contest, he's out to win an election. how do those work? >> oh, he's up [bleep] creek. now on the other hand, newt gingrich has found an issue sure to appeal to florida voters. >> i want to talk to you about today is going to be very, very bold.
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by the end of my second term we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be american. we will have commercial near earth activities that include science, tourism and manufacturing. >> stephen: yes, america will bring manufacturing to the moon. ohio [bleep] out of luck. then newt's vision for the moon goes further. >> when we have 13,000 americans living on the moon, they can petition to become a state. >> stephen: that's right, the moon is going to be a state. suck it washington, dc, suck it. (applause) >> stephen: but folk force some reason the gop establishment is not sold on newt. >> most of us are terrified to death that he would become the republican nominee. >> this is favor ability versus unfavor ability. newt gingrich, 27% favorable,
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56% unfavourable. believe me, republicans in congress will be terrified to run with this man for fear they will lose the house and the senate. >> if newt gingrich is able to win the florida primary, you will see a panic and a meltdown of the republican establishment that is beyond my ability to articulate in the english language. >> stephen: yes. there is no english word for that kind of meltdown. the closest is the german clusdefuchen. compound word. now we've all heard the sordid details of newt's marital history so i do not need to dredge up how he married his high school math teacher, left her for another teacher when she had cancer, then left that woman for a third woman when the second woman was diagnosed with an incurable case of newt wanted some strange. (laughter) the fox news therapist dr. keith ablo sees all this as positive, writing, quote,
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when three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, i worry more about whether we'll be clamouring for a third gingrich term, not whether we will want to let him go after one. yes, gingrich is so seductive that three women, two of whom knew he was an adulterer were willing to pick newt. so he is saying we should look past his weaknesses to his strengths. which are his weaknesses. (laughter) folks, newt has proven himself sensitive too. according to ablo, two women have sat down with him while he delivered incredible, painful truths, that he had fallen in love with other women and needed to follow his heart despite the risk he would be taking with his reputation. yes, he had to follow his heart or whatever was throbbing so loudly. and-- and folks--
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(applause) as ablo says, this was a risk to his reputation. someone without dr. ablo's psychiatric insights might misdiagnose newt as a sociopathic pussyhound. now folks-- (cheers and applause) folks, you know every night this show is just me single-handedly giving you your opinion. (laughter) but recently i've noticed some shows let other people talk. they're called panel discussions. and no one's better than sean hannity and his great american panel. where sean inexplicable football in hand dissects the news with political luminaries. >> tonight on our great american panel she is a republican congresswoman from the state of minnesota michele bachmann is here.
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he is a world renowned civil rights leader and the president of the national action network reverend al sharpton and rounding out american rock legend meatloaf is with us. >> stephen: finally, finally a forum for meatloaf to express his political views. until now-- (applause) until now they were only on his album farm subsidies out of hell. well folks, daddy wants in. when we come back, i will be joined by the finest political minds who answered my phone calls. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. you are here on an historic night. nation to continue our discussion of today's top news stories i'm proud to welcome some people who were in town. this is stephen colbert's great available panel. (cheers and applause) tonight on our very first great available panel he is the chief washington correspondent for cnbc please welcome john harwood, everybody. (cheers and applause) john, good man, thanks so much for being here. boom, lock it down. all right. he is the editor of nation magazine friend of the show
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katrina bandenhovel is with us, katrina boom, give it up. ladies and gentlemen, star of stage and screen, best selling pop artist and recent first person voted off celebrity apprentice david cassidy, (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay. high five from a distance my man. all right, first of all, great available panel do you have your -- >> yes, we do. >> i didn't put the tip on there yet. >> stephen: that's all right. you're not reimbursed for tips, okay. and we're get a check out to you guys in 12 to 18 weeks. thank you so much. all right, panel what is going on with this election? okay, john harwood, okay, you're a political analyst who takes florida-- florida. >> stephen: . >> well, first of all i'm in an open marriage with my political predictions right now, but-- . >> stephen: good man, good man, that's appealing, evidently. >> yeah. but i think the one that i
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love the best at the moment is mitt romney comes back, wins florida, wins the nomination. >> stephen: how does mitt romney take it back though, people are liking gingrich right now. would it help if mitt romney cheated on one of his wives? because my understand katrina, you saw what dr. keith ablo said, the ladies trust a guy who is a known philanderer. newt gingrich, what is the magic. you're a lady. >> the republican party has been screwing this country for too long. it's not just newt gingrich. it's basically screw and shaft and i say tonight-- . >> stephen: you say a screw and a shaft. >> yeah. >> stephen: so double teaming the person people. >> i mean that newt-- it's not just newt gingrich but he's going to get out there tonight. he is a street fighter with a poisonous history, race hater, mythic liberal media
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and will go as low as can to rile up the base, playing the old republican southern strategy. let's play on racial anxiety and fear. and he has-- . >> stephen: he is a fighter, he is a fighter. >> and -- >> and are you still attracted to him. >> but mitt romney. >> stephen: what is it, what is it, what is it that makes someone who has been married three times attractive to the ladies? david cassidy, you've been married three times. >> yes, i have. thank you so much. >> stephen: how did you land-- how did you land the second two. what's the magic? >> money. >> stephen: do you think that just money alone can push newt through? can he drag it out or win it, john. >> he doesn't have enough money. mitt romney has got a heck of a lot more money that gingrich does between his campaign and his superpac. >> stephen: is newt declare-- declaring war on success. because newt has attacked romney for bain capital. do you think that there is anything wrong with the amount of money that romney has made and the amount he's kept. david, i will go to you. >> well, i'm a capitalist.
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>> i'm glad i didn't know that you were that kind of capitalist when i used to kiss your poster on my wall. i mean there are different kinds of capitalistless. >> stephen: david, david, david -- >> would you have kissed it anyway. >> stephen: heads up. you've got the talking ball. and here it is. >> i believe-- i'm over here, dave. >> i believe-- (laughter) >> so much show business in my life, apologize. i believe honestly that both of them are the most embarrassing, sad, patheti pathetic-- really? this is the best we can do? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: john, anybody-- best pie. >> apple. >> stephen: wrong. >> american pie. >> stephen: close. >> too much of a hardball question for you.
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did i throw you with that one david. >> i'm lost. >> stephen: all right. in connecticut, by the way the answer is blueberry. okay. in connecticut this past week four police officers are being investigated for discrimination against hispanic members of the community. when the mayor was asked about this discrimination, there is the response he gave to a local reporter, jim, you can roll it. >> what are you doing for the-- community today? >> i might have tacoes when gi home, i'm not quite clear sure yet. >> stephen: okay, he's getting heat, this guy is getting heat for saying he is going to have tacoes. >> he should get heat. >> stephen: why, is it so pc now that you can't have tacoes? is that what it is? >> you can have tacoes. you just can't say repulsive say about latinos when you are talking about tacoes. >> stephen: he didn't. he said tacoes. >> that is-- . >> stephen: he didn't say i would not eat a taco because it is a filthy cuisine. that would be. >> but the measure --
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>> he's an idiot. >> the measure of what we saw in his response which was obscene is a measure of what happened in that city. where latinos were beaten, harassed, that's what-- you know that is the kind of mentality, the attitude. >> stephen: you had does eating a taco hurt that. >> you don't say that kind of thing. you don't say that kind of thing. >> stephen: that is the pc police, it's the food police. >> you know what the constituent there in his little town are going to say? vieo-- via con dirks, os mi mayor. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: listen, john, katrina, david, thank you so much for joining me. everybody give it up for the greatest first available
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is. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is in a new movie about whales trapped under the arctic ice it must be a period piece about when there was arctic ice. please welcome drew barrymore. (cheers and applause) hey, drew, lovely to meet
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you. >> hi, how are you. >> stephen: what a pleasure, gosh, giant fan. >> i am a fan of yours. >> stephen: oh this is going to be great. i have been a fan of you ever since, you know, you were a kismted you're not a kid any more, you are a mature woman, a hollywood power player. can we talk about et for a sec. you cry in that movie. did spielberg make you cry? did because if he harmed a hair on your head -- >> are you going to protect me. >> stephen: i will protect you. he's a jerk. how you could cry-- how did you do that. how did you do that? >> you know, i think i had things to cry about. and they just passed right in there. >> stephen: at that age. >> sure. >> stephen: you're deep. now you probably never see a sequel to that, right, you ever talk bay sequel to et, that say big, big franchise, an opportunity. >> i know, i know. in all seriousness, he from the get-go, he didn't even
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want to release it on dvd but at the time it was like beta. and yeah, i just think he-- in fact, he told me, he said i think it would come across the wrong way. he's like i just don't think it will be the kind of film that i want it to be or other people want it to be. i'm para phrasing from him. >> stephen: what about a prequel. before the alien gets there, and it's just, i want to know more about that family. >> i'm such a sucker-- sucker for prequells. >> stephen: why did dad leave mom, we want to know. >> you could call us the where is mexico version because i say that in the film. nobody obviously got that. >> stephen: that's the heart breaking moment. >> that is where the dad is he's in mexico with sallie. and then she goes and cries at the sink. >> stephen: i don't like sallie. >> neither do i. she's a whore. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, thank you. now let's talk about the new movie. the new movie is called big miracle. >> yeah. >> stephen: and we have a clip.
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>> you do. you never show clips. i'm honored. >> stephen: well, drew barrymore. jim? >> we all give you the lion share of credit around here, because if it weren't for you, all three of those whales would be dead now. >> you're not as easy to hate as i thought. >> neither are you. >> still doesn't change the way i feel about you trying to open up the arctic wildlife refuge for drilling. >> young lady, doesn't change how i feel about it either. >> stephen: so does have a happy ending? i mean does-- i guess what i am asking, do they eventually open up the arctic wildlife preserve for drilling because it's so sad that all that oil is trapped underneath the ice. >> i know, i know. and that is ted danson playing this guy mcgraw who is a big oil driller.
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but the amazing thing about this movie is oil companies and i play you know, a titan ss hippie who is fighting for greenpeace. >> stephen: tight ass hippie. >> yes. >> stephen: that say tough combination. >> by the way, it was a little hard. i was like how do you be in people's face and still be likable. i play this real life woman. >> stephen: i remember the story, it's incredible it captivated the world. >> it was this big, huge, small story that got bigger and bigger. and it was because news media put the story out there. tom brokaw was apparently a sucker for these stories. my character-- . >> stephen: three whales are trapped it in the arctic ic ice-- this should really be a movie. now what-- (applause) and this got huge, like international governments got involved. >> the amazing thing, my character who say greenpeace advocate just fights and fights and fights and goes
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to the government level to get these ice barge breakers from the national guard to break through. and the oil companies see there is an opportunity for them to like look better. and bring their barges in. and then all of a sudden that's not working so that they've got to call, you know, the white house who gets involved because they want to elect bush from the reagan administration. >> stephen: bush 1. >> who has a terrible environmental record, all of them. >> stephen: he's a friend, watch out. >> and then the white house wants to look good from this, so they start, you know, doing whatever they can. and before you know it, you know, my character is saying look you've got to bring in the soviets because they're the only one was can come in and break this ice and the white house didn't want to do this because of the cold war. next thing you know ronald reagan my character says, fine, if you don't want to do that, when the people come and ask me as the greenpeace lady that has been spearheading this whole movement, i'm going to tell them that ronald reagan killed those whales. >> stephen: and eventually reagan went up there and just punched a hole in that
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ice. said mr. gorbachev tear down this glacier. now listen, at bulls sell great, associated with movies, is there an album of whaling songs. >> dow happen to know of any good whale songs. >> stephen: hugh ray and up she rises, early in the morning ♪ ♪ you sing that, you get that, you throw a little-- on it or something like that. >> i mean-- . >> jon: mary j. blige. >> what if we did like a steve be colbert, you know, sings songs for the whales cd. >> stephen: well, the movie is going to be a huge success. >> thank you. >> stephen: drew barrymore, big miracle, in the theatres next friday. we'll be right bac
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